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Bullets From Your Valentine/Transcript
The following is the script for Bullets From Your Valentine of Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. Transcript ANDERSON: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release... ya Protestant fuckbucket. (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) INTEGRA: '(''answers phone) Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan? '''ALUCARD: (intercom) Eh. I'd say ninety-nine... (Scene: "Highschool of the Dead") ...point nine percent done. (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) 'Sup, bitch? INTEGRA: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today. ALUCARD: Are they hookers? INTEGRA: No. ALUCARD: And like that you've lost me. INTEGRA: They're our financial suppliers. ALUCARD: Oh, man! They have to hate us! INTEGRA: They do. That's why they cancelled our budget. ALUCARD: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right? WALTER: Yes; very important. ALUCARD: Thank you, Walter. WALTER: Of course, sir. INTEGRA: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... expensive claims. ALUCARD: Like what? INTEGRA: First off - property damage. (Scene: masses fleeing from burning buildings) (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) ALUCARD: Good times. INTEGRA: Dozens of noise complaints. ALUCARD: (shouting to the sound of loud heavy metal) Sorry! I can't hear you! INTEGRA: Killing at least a dozen innocent people. ALUCARD: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it! INTEGRA: And... all of the sexual harassment. ALUCARD: ...I'm not apologizing. INTEGRA: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but... ALUCARD: Buuut...? INTEGRA: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone! ALUCARD: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me. INTEGRA: Alucard... ALUCARD: I'm gonna go with nooo. INTEGRA: This is important and I don't need you causing another scene! ALUCARD: I don't have to take this! I'm going for a walk. INTEGRA: No, you don't! ALUCARD: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist? INTEGRA: (sigh) ...What do you want? ALUCARD: What~? INTEGRA: What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening? ALUCARD: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl. POLICE GIRL: (intercom) But I already have a gun. ALUCARD: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons. INTEGRA: Anything else? ALUCARD: A 70-inch... plasma widescreen TV. INTEGRA: Really? ALUCARD: With Netflix. INTEGRA: Should it also be 3-D? ALUCARD: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it! (Title sequence) INTEGRA: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation. PENWOOD: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do. INTEGRA: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen. ISLANDS: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses. PENWOOD: Most of them under the name... "Alucard"... INTEGRA: (Takes a deep breath) ...Continue. ISLANDS: For example - some of them were frankly labeled, "Entertainment". INTEGRA: "Entertainment"? OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Quite. Like in my report: £20,000 for a... "Candi". OLD ARSEHOLE #4: That's "Candi" with an "i", by the way. INTEGRA: I see. ISLANDS: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it." INTEGRA: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen. PENWOOD: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about £95,000-- INTEGRA: (simultaneously; thinking) I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this. PENWOOD: (simultaneously; in background) --in damages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the-- (Scene: outside Hellsing grounds) JAN: ...And so half way through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin! LUKE: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you. JAN: I mean I still finished, but what kind of shit is that? LUKE: For God sakes, Jan. Think of mother! JAN: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now. GUARD: Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed. JAN: Aww, man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England. GUARD: Where from? (Guns emerge from bus) JAN: Texas. (Snaps fingers) (Guards are shot to death) Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools. LUKE: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion. JAN: Alrighty. (To subordinates emerging from bus) Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all! (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) ISLANDS: ...And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again. (Lights flicker) PENWOOD: That's funny; we weren't cutting the power just yet. INTEGRA: Oh, shit... (Calls front desk) Front desk, report. What's going on? FRONT DESK CLERK: (intercom) Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second. (footsteps) Whoa. (footsteps) Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely-- (Ghoul growls) OH MY GOD--! (Squelch; dialtone) PENWOOD: Sir Integra, do something! INTEGRA: Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control. (Muffled explosion) PENWOOD: ...What was that? INTEGRA: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. (Calls communications) Communications, come in. We need a full report. COMMS: (crying through intercom) JAN: (intercom) Read the fuckin' paper. COMMS: (crying) "H-h-hey there... Integra..." JAN: READ IT FUCKIN' (slap) RIGHT, COCKHOLE! COMMS: "Hey there... you... fat, English... whore..." JAN: That's more like it. Now keep goin'. COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls... So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna--" ...O-oh God! JAN: Keep reading, or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE! COMMS: (sobbing) "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...! JAN: You ain't finished yet! COMMS: (sobbing) "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out--" OH GOD NO--!! (gunshot) JAN: Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless! (hangs up) (dialtone) INTEGRA: (calls Alucard) Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-- ALUCARD: (intercom) Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, (grunts) - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that. INTEGRA: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will--! ALUCARD: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of "Adventure Time" on Netflix. Byyye~ ("Adventure Time" starts; Alucard hangs up) INTEGRA: (calls Walter) Walter! (Scene change: Luke kills several Hellsing guards) (Opera music ringtone) LUKE: (answers phone) Hello, Jan. (dead guards collapse) JAN: So, how's my favorite big brother doin'? LUKE: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards. JAN: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... (ghouls eating in background) I'm winnin'. LUKE: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it. JAN: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul! (ghoul groaning, squelch) LUKE: (hangs up) Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. (Scene change) INTEGRA: Alright. Walter and his assistant should be here any second now. PENWOOD: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to-- (hit by roof panel) Ah! (Police Girl falls on top of Penwood) POLICE GIRL: (simultaneously) Ah! Whoa! PENWOOD: (simultaneously) Ah! WALTER: Talley-ho! INTEGRA: Good to see you, Walter. WALTER: Of course, sir. INTEGRA: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being... WALTER: Alucard? INTEGRA: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans? WALTER: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up. (Scene change) JAN: ♪ I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck ♪ ♪ I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck! ♪ ♪ Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck ♪ ♪ But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a--! ♪ (Subordinates instantly sliced to death) ...Fuck was that?? WALTER: Hello. My name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... and I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself. JAN: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, (snaps fingers and armored subordinates emerge) that garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? "How thick is it?" Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass. WALTER: Police Girl, if you may. (view pans back to Police Girl with an anti-tank rifle) POLICE GIRL: Bitches love cannons! (fires at armored subordinates) JAN: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE! (Police Girl fires again) (Scene change) (Jake laughing on the TV, which is then destroyed when Luke makes his entrance) ALUCARD: ...That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. (deep breath) ...So, how can I help you? LUKE: You must be the great Alucard. ALUCARD: 'Suup. LUKE: I've heard quite a lot about you. ALUCARD: Oh really? LUKE: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human. A monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself! ALUCARD: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft! LUKE: Ex...cuse you? ALUCARD: Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick! LUKE: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine. ALUCARD: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am! LUKE: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here. ALUCARD: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father! (Luke & Alucard aim their guns at each other) Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you? (gunshot; scene change) JAN: (grunts) POLICE GIRL: Arm bars everywhere! JAN: (simultaneously) Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch! WALTER: (simultaneously) That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold? POLICE GIRL: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something! WALTER: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you. JAN: Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-- (Walter stomps on his hand) AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole! WALTER: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know. JAN: Alright, alright. What you do... is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF! WALTER: (grunts) (Ghouls suddenly appear) WALTER: (gasps) (Police Girl grunts as Jan escapes her grasp) JAN: And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch! WALTER: (throws garrote wire at Jan's arm) I've got your arm! JAN: (continues running despite his arm being cut in half) So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha! (O''pens door to meeting between Integra and financiers, only to find they all have guns trained on him'') ...Well that's not fair at all. INTEGRA: I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck. (gunfire) JAN: '(''multiple times) Fuck! (once) Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (slumps against the wall as gunfire ceases) Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go?? '''WALTER: Oh, they've been dealt with. (flashback to Police Girl killing ghouls in a blood rage) JAN: Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner. INTEGRA: All right, shit-for-brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana! JAN: (giggles) I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did. (sets himself on fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! (flips the bird) The one who sent me... WAS...! ...Naaziiiss...! (Jan dies and turns into a steaming pile of ash) INTEGRA: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas? WALTER: I heard Miami Heat. POLICE GIRL: I herd the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing. INTEGRA: Wait a second... where's the big brother? (Scene change: Luke appears to have the upper hand in the shoot-out against Alucard) LUKE: You can't touch me! I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival... nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demigod! ALUCARD: (seemingly headless) Really? ...Really? LUKE: Really. ALUCARD: Really?! LUKE: Really! ALUCARD: (head re-emerges) REALLY?! LUKE: REALLY! ALUCARD: Release restraint to level one. LUKE: Level what? (Alucard changes form and shoots Luke in the leg) Agh! Agh! Fuck! DEMONIC!ALUCARD: You know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT! (shoots Luke in the other leg) LUKE: Aaaaggh! (falls next to the staircase) I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I-- (as view pans up the long staircase) ...Aaawwwwwwwww fuck. D!ALUCARD: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off! LUKE: (terrified) But I... You...! What the fuck?! D!ALUCARD: What's wrong, "demigod"? Just grow back your legs! (crushes dead leg stump) Summon up your demons! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug! LUKE: ...Really? (Alucard grins before proceeding to eat Luke alive) Oh God no--!! (Scene change: Integra and financiers are listening to the confrontation through the intercom) LUKE: (dying throughout the scene) D!ALUCARD: Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time! I'm the Sauceboss! And tonight, we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod bitch! PENWOOD: Who... is that exactly? INTEGRA: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding? PENWOOD: Issue? ISLANDS: What issue? PENWOOD: I don't see an issue. OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Shut up and take our money! (Scene change) ALUCARD: (intercom) Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end. INTEGRA: Yes, everything turned out just fine... except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage. POLICE GIRL: What's a blood rage? (intercom) And why don't I remember anything? ALUCARD: That reminds me - for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? (beat) ...It was the Nazis, wasn't it? INTEGRA: No. ALUCARD: Bet you I'm right. INTEGRA: Bet you you're wrong. ALUCARD: Bet you you're a skank. INTEGRA: Bet you you're an asshole! ALUCARD: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!! Category:Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Transcripts